From an anonymous poster on the DSR Yahoo Group:

To all those seeking access to their donors and to all donors reading this,   I wanted to comment on behalf of privacy, donors and accessibility
based solely on my own family’s experience, no one else’s.  I don’t profess to know what the right thing to do is, just what has worked for us.  I am a mother of a donor conceived child (teenager) and was lucky enough to find our donor through this site after trying to reach out to him directly through my bank without success.

We are definitely lucky, in that our donor was willing to take some risks where his privacy is concerned. My family was willing to take risks on our side.  Our contact began almost three years ago, first six months of email, then the adults met, followed by my child and donor meeting.  It has been a very slow pace in many ways, finding ways to connect that match everyone’s needs, including those needs of his “chosen” family (wife and children at home).  In some ways it has
been fast and steady. Our donor overtime, has allowed his children access to my child.  In many ways, those sibling relationships are stronger and certainly easier to manage than the adult ones.  He is a wonderful man with a big huge heart and has been tender and respectful of my child’s needs, even if he can’t always meet them (her needs). In turn, we have been honest, respectful and tender with him even when my wishes haven’t always matched his.  It is, more than anything, an
ongoing NEGOTIATION.  Each step is another adventure.  I feel extremely grateful to our donor and very blessed by the experience. My child is happy and living her life.

My only idea to pass on to others are to trust as best you can.  That seems to be the biggest unlocked treasure for me, in this adventure.  have discovered a level of  trust I didn’t know I had.  Giving up my need to control things and trusting that we as a family along with the onor and his family, will and are, finding our way. It has involved lots of patience and compromise and stretching our hearts.

Best of luck to all those looking.  Even the moments when I felt my heart would break from something I thought was only disappointing, my hild has found a silver lining.  She has learned to cherish what is possible and not anguish over what is not.  What a powerful lesson! nd we are all the better for these incredible experiences.

thanks,
Annonymous

California Cryobank has been using the copyrighted “Donor Sibling Registry” name in their Yahoo advertising. We have been notified by people who have seen this advertising on at least two Yahoo groups. Their advertising box simply says “Donor Sibling Registry”, and then “The Leading Semen Donor Bank” and when you click on it, you are taken to the California Cryobank website. An organization and website that we have no affiliation with.

Although we are flattered….it is extremely disappointing that they could not come up with their own adverising slogan and resorted to using our name, without permission, to attract clients to their sperm bank.

This is the best they could do? Shame on you California Cryobank. Try advertising using your own merits, not the Donor Sibling Registry’s.

Note: On August 29th we received an apology from CCB, noting that their advertisement was indeed “an infringement on a trademarked name”. They have now removed the Yahoo advertisements and promise to never again use the name “Donor Sibling Registry” in their advertisements.

Hello Egg Donors,
We at the Donor Sibling Registry are doing a study of former egg donors. Some of you may have registered on the Donor Sibling Registry and some of you have not yet, or do not intend on making yourself available for contact from families that may have used your eggs. Either way, our goal is to get a better understanding of how egg donation affects women as time goes on, as we know of no medical studies or formal research on this topic. Based on the replies, we hope to write an article for a scientific journal. Your answers will be kept anonymous, as I will only share the collective data, and no one’s personal information. This information could be extremely valuable in pushing the medical community to further investigate how egg donation physically affects woman who donate. The questions should only take a few minutes to answer. Please email your responses to me. Wendy Kramer, wendy.kramer@yahoo.com

1. What was your age at time of donations? Your age now?
2. How many donations have you done?
3. Do you have children of your own previous to your donations?
4. Have you had children of your own after your donations?

5. How long after your donations did you have children, if any?
6. Any complications during or following any of your donations? i.e. infection, hyper-stimulation, etc.

7. If any complications, what type of care, treatment, follow-up was required?
8. Do you know if any of your donations resulted in pregnancy, birth, etc.?
9. Have you asked your fertility center if there were successful births?
10. Any medical changes to your health or a close family member of yours that should be updated to your recipient if you could?

11. Have you noticed any change in your menstrual cycle, ovulation, own fertility since your donations?

12. Have you ever been contacted by your fertility center for any type of medical updates?
13. Have you attempted to contact your fertility center to update them on any medical issues?
14. Would you contact the fertility center if there were any medical or genetic updates that your donor families should know about? (If the answer is no, will you explain why not?)

15. Has anyone attempted to follow up with you after your donations in relation to your donations themselves?

16. Would you be open to contact if it was requested? (of any level)
17. Do you have contact with any of your recipients? If so, what level of contact?
18. Do you feel that you were properly educated and counseled on the potential curiosities of the children to be born? (Many donor conceived people are curious as to their genetic heritage and wish to meet their donors).

19. Is there anything you wish you had been informed of prior to your donations to better prepare you in making your decision?

20. Did you have any infertility issues before donating? If yes, please describe.
21. Did you have any menstrual cycle problems before egg donation? If yes, please describe.
22. Had you considered IVF before becoming an egg donor?
23. If yes, did you try IVF?
24. Did you donate eggs as part of egg sharing?
25.  Did you have infertility problems after egg donating? If yes, please describe.

Thank you SO much!
Wendy

Before you choose a Danish sperm bank (or an anonymous sperm donor), please try and remember that many donor conceived people want very badly to connect with their half siblings and/or donors.

February 01, 2008

STUDENTS OF AARHUS BREATHE RELIEF

Danish Sperm Bank Deposits to Remain Tax-Free and Anonymous

By Daryl Lindsey

For a while, it seemed the stream of male students visiting the Cryos sperm bank in Aarhus, Denmark might dry up. But a recent decision by the Danish Tax Ministry means that donors can remain anonymous and won’t be forced to report their earnings to the tax man.

For the better part of two decades, young men could step into the offices of Denmark’s largest sperm bank in Aarhus and make a deposit. For their trouble, and depending on the quality and quantity of his semen, the average Lars, Anders or Niels could earn anywhere from 267 to 500 crowns (€36 to €67) for a few minutes of his trouble. A perfect way for a cash-strapped student to earn book money.It was also, the government thought, a great way for the state to earn a bit of extra money. In 2004, the Danish Tax Ministry began an offensive that threatened to tax sperm donors — thereby eliminating anonymity and endangering the supply of donors coming through the doors. Indeed, it is only now, after long negotiations with the government and a decision by the Tax Ministry to allow donors to remain anonymous that Cryos International, one of the world’s leading sperm banks, can breathe a sigh of relief.

“We started giving out a questionnaire,” Cryos CEO Ole Schou told SPIEGEL ONLINE, “and it turned out that only 7 percent would continue (to donate) if they had to register. People just didn’t want to give up their anonymity. It sent us a strong signal that if the Tax Office succeeded with its policy, we were going to have major problems. We probably would have had to close down in Denmark.”

The problems started when Tax Ministry officials decided that donating sperm should be considered the same as any other taxable labor — no different from pulling a pint or working as a soda jerk. But the reporting requirement would have required donors to register by name. Furthermore, for students, who make up the bulk of sperm donors in Denmark, reporting those earnings might have meant a loss of student loans and other subsidies.

Schou says the intense media coverage of the tax office strife contributed to a significant drop in sperm donors at his Aarhus bank in 2006. When the maelstrom calmed in 2007, though, Danes started lining up again.

And late in December, the media reported this week, the Tax Ministry partially backed down, saying the country’s sperm banks could continue their practice of accepting anonymous donations. Although fees paid by sperm banks in Denmark to donors had always been tax deductible, in 2004 the Tax Office moved to force banks to report the names of donors who had received the payments. The Tax Office has now dropped that requirement. Technically, sperm donors are required to claim such payments on their taxes, but the new system relies on good-faith and has no controls in place to conduct witch hunts of sperm donors who don’t declare their earnings.

A Global Leader in Sperm Banking

Under new European Union regulations issued in April 2007, member states are required to register sperm donations, but there are no rules regarding anonymity. In Denmark, anonymous donations are permitted under what Schou describes as a “politically responsible” policies that ensure a steady supply of sperm donors and prevent the creation of black markets or the promotion of “fertility tourism” to other countries. Britain two years ago passed a law requiring the disclosure upon request of donors once the children conceived with their sperm came of age. Other European countries have also imposed similar or more limited restrictions on anonymity, including Sweden, Norway, Finland, the Netherlands and Austria.

In its 20 years in business, Cryos has become an international force — selling its Danish sperm around the world and helping around 15,000 women to become pregnant, Schou says. The Danish English weekly Copenhagen Post has even described it as “one of the country’s great export success stories of the last decade.” That accomplishment even earned Cryos headlines in the English-language press — most, of course, based on caricatures of Scandinavia: “Vikings’ test tube invasion,” “The Vikings Are Back for Britain’s Women,” or “Tall, Blond and Danish?”

But Schou, who is not a doctor and has a business degree — downplays the blond-hair, blue-eye factor. Indeed, the Cryos homepage shows a quartet of babies representing a handful of ethnicities. “It’s actually a problem for us that we can only supply donors from Denmark who are blond-haired and blue-eyed,” he says, “but we have to take what we get, and about 90 percent of the Danish population is blond. But we also have a few brown-eyed donors.”

Cryos, though, is expanding internationally, and it soon hopes to offer a bank of 1,500 sperm donations a year from offices in different parts of the world, including a new branch in New York. Schou is banking on the fact that Cryos will soon have a bigger gene pool to sell.

This information was taken from both the CLI and Fairfax websites. It
was sent to me by a member. I question a few things….4-5,000
children born each year from DI? All other estimates hover around
30,000-40,000. How in the world is anyone getting any numbers that
they then present as truth?! And they think it’s rare to have more
than 20 siblings for any given donor? As the DSR is a small sampling
of donor families, I think we’ve shown that to not be the case. Also,
we have heard several times of women meeting up in a park, or party
and discovering that their kids were half siblings. It does indeed
happen. Donor siblings can connect from “various sites that third
parties set up…”? If you knew how many times I have called these
sperm bank directors to have them please tell their clients about the
DSR. Also, when an anonymous donor changes his mind about connecting
with families, he is not allowed to know his donor number. Fairfax and
CLI will not release donor numbers to their former donors. So if a
donor wanted to share important medical information (or just connect)
with their offspring listed on the DSR, the bank would prohibit this
from happening. “Protecting families”? I think not. Protecting themselves…I
think so.

From the sites:

“The typical family who uses donor sperm is changing. Originally donor
insemination was offered exclusively to married couples who were
experiencing infertility. Today, infertile couples are still helped by
donor sperm but other types of families are as well. Single women are
increasingly choosing to have children on their own with the help of
donor sperm. Same sex couples are, too. Where 20 years ago it was
easier to keep the donor sperm story a secret, it is now much more
obvious when a father is not around while a child is growing up.
Children born from donor sperm are learning about the circumstances of
their conception in ever increasing numbers. We estimate that now
about 4,000 to 5,000 children a year are born in the US as the result
of anonymous donor insemination.

Today, we ask all new donors if they want to be known. If they agree,
they become an ID Consent donor. If they decline, they will remain
anonymous. All donors who began donating prior to 2005 signed an
agreement with us in which we agreed to keep their identifying
information private. Many families were created with the understanding
that their specific donor would be anonymous forever, and they very
much want this information to stay private. We have very specific
understandings with donors and families that we will protect the
information of not only the donor’s identity but also the identity of
the families who used that sperm donor. Our policy is that once a
donor is designated as an anonymous donor or an ID Consent donor, his
status cannot be changed, e.g. from an anonymous donor to an ID
Consent donor, or vice versa. Therefore, for our anonymous donors, we
are not mediating contact between families and their donors.

There is a considerable amount of information we do have on our
donors, both anonymous and ID consent, that is extremely valuable in
learning about the donor as a person rather than a cold statistic.
Donors today have audio interviews recorded, childhood photos, some
have adult photos, and all have detailed medical and personal
histories. Their ethnicity, talents, interests, and even their
favorite color and song are presented. Donors who are no longer
donating also have information saved. (See more about donor
information at this webpage about donor information.) In addition,
half siblings who are interested are able to connect with each other
via various sites third parties set up for this purpose on the web.
Although the donor may be unknown, half siblings often find shared
traits that they determine are likely from their biological fathers.
This discovery of sibling relationships, along with the extensive
information already available on the donor, may help some children as
they seek to learn more about their genetic heritage.

Donor sperm from one donor usually results in several pregnancies over
many years. Some families store units from the same donor in order to
have biologically full siblings, so the age range of all the children
from the same donor may be considerable. In accordance with the
guidelines set by the American Society of Reproductive Medicine
(ASRM), we strictly limit the number of donor units sent to the same
geographic area. But since donor sperm is shipped all over the US and
several other countries, the donor usually sells out before he reaches
our distribution limit. It is highly unlikely you would ever meet
another one of your half siblings randomly, (i.e., someone who was
conceived with the exact same donor). It is rare for one of our donors
to have more than 20 reported offspring.”

We are looking into have a Q & A page where donors can answer as many of these questions as they are comfortable with, within their DSR posting. For now though, here is a listing of some of the things donor conceived people would like to know about their unknown sperm donors. If you are currently a posted donor, answering some of these questions within the body of your posting (until we create a separate page just for the Q & A’s)  would be very helpful.

What types of skills come from your family (art, scientific,
farming??)
Do I have siblings?
Where did you grow up?
When did you start to see gray hair?
Are there illnesses in the family (asthma, diabetes, high blood
pressure, heart disease, cholesterol, Alzheimer’s, learning
disabilities, mental illness, alcoholism, drug abuse…?
Do you wear glasses?
Are there twins in the family?
Why did you donate sperm?
What was the most adventurous thing you’ve ever done?
Do you speak any other languages?
Do you have a sense of humor?
What type of sports do you like?
What type of art do you like?
Are you religious? Spiritual?
What political party do you belong to?
What organizations do you support?
What size shoe do you wear?
What are your pet peeves?
If you won the lottery, what wish would you make come true?
What career did you want to follow as a child?
What is your favorite food?
What is your favorite animal?
When is your birthday?
Do I have any uncles, aunts?
If you are married, does your wife know that you donated?
What are your hobbies?
Do you play an instrument?
Are there any interesting stories about your early childhood/
development?
What are your values?
What type of moral behavior is important to you?
What is the average height in your family?  How tall are your mother,
sisters & aunts or father, brothers, & uncles?
Do you like to travel?
Are men bald in your family?
What kind of books do you read?
How do you handle conflict?
Are you kind?
Are you happy?
Did you have a good relationship with his parents?
What is your favorite vehicle?
Do you worry about the environment?
Do you hunt?
Are you a vegetarian?
Do you openly trust people?
Do you have many friends?
Do you like to dance?
Do you like to sing?
What type of music do you like?
What type of landscape is your favorite?
What is your favorite season and why?
May I have a photo of your parents or grandparents?
Are there things that you hoped to pass on to me?
Do you think about me?
Who have you told?
How did your ancestors come to this country?
Are you married?
What is your profession?
Do you have children? If so, will you tell a bit about them?
How did you meet your wife/husband/significant other?
What’s your favorite joke?
What is the saddest thing that ever happened to you?
What’s the funniest thing that ever happened to you?
What generation do you feel a part of?
What great cause do you feel strongly about?
Which ancestor do you admire most?
What’s your family’s “brush with history”?
What did your ancestors do for a living?
What was your childhood like?
What subject in school were you best at?
What brand/model was the first car you drove? Owned?
What does that type of car say about you?
Do you have a nickname? How did you get that nickname?
Where have you travelled? Farthest? Most memorable?
What is you dream destination and why?
What is your best accomplishment or proudest moment of your life (so far)?
Favorite memory of mother?
Favorite memory of father?
Favorite memory of grandparents?
Did you get into trouble as a child?
What was the worst thing you did as a child?
Share one of the “stories you never told your parents”?
Who were your friends when you were young?

Here is something else to ponder…we are seeing sibling groups with
wide age gaps in age, one group has kids listed that are 19 years
apart, one just posted today with kids 12 years apart.

When will banks start taking sperm off the market that was donated in
the 80’s or 90’s? How would this affect the kids being born and the
donors who could be very old by the time offspring try and contact them?

I think that sperm banks should be telling prospective buyers when the
first kids were born from their donor. Oh, right….they do not
necessarily know, as they do not keep accurate records.

Also, families that buy multiple vials can also store the sperm
indefinitely. What if a future relative wanted to use the sperm…oy,
the implications are pretty weird.

As most of you know, the sperm banks are unaware of exactly how many kids are born from any given donor. (Estimates are that only 40% of women report back on their live births). We have quite a few very large groups of half siblings listed on the DSR. In my conversations with the sperm banking industry, it’s become to clear to me that they have
no clue as to why this might be an issue for families. One sperm bank director said to me, after I mentioned that one donor had more than 100 offspring that we knew of, “I don’t see what the issue is, as longas they do not live in the same geographic area…”.

Can any of you who are in larger groups share your experiences? I know that all the larger groups are mostly made up of children under the age of 5, so it will be while before we can hear from the donor conceived as to what these numbers mean to them, but any parents willing to share their perspectives on this? (Many in the larger groups have actually removed their information from the DSR.)

One issue that I am acutely aware of is that the larger the group, the  less likely the donor is to make contact. We have had donors come and join the DSR, make contact with a few offspring, and then remove their information because they could not deal with the growing number of offspring. (For one group, a donor actually removed his information at the insistence of one of the moms, who didn’t want any more families in their “group”.) So basically for these kids, it can become a “first come, first serve” type of situation.

Knowing that many of these kids will indeed be interested to know their donors, this is an inherent problem then, as the kids in the larger groups have a much lower chance of ever connecting with their donors.

A few other issues that I can think of: The larger the group, the harder it is to share important medical information. In fact, if not for the DSR, families who use the same donor would not be able to share medical information at all. For the donor conceived children of the 90% of heterosexual couples who never tell their children the truth, the more children out there, the more possibility of dating a half sibling.

I have had quite a few people join the DSR this week with notes saying
that they are not telling their child that they are donor conceived
because their husband will not allow it. For heterosexual couples out
there:

Did you receive any education/counseling from your doctor, facility or
sperm bank in regards to disclosure? Any suggestions made? Any
counseling offered to deal with infertility?

I am pointing these folks to the reading materials on the
“Articles and Issues” page, the “FAQ” page and the Cambridge
“Research” page for articles on the importance of (early) disclosure.
I am hearing back from some of these women saying that their husbands
will not read or even consider telling the kids. I wonder how we can
get the sperm banks/doctors/clinics to better educate the dads?
Somehow the shame of infertility needs to be dealt with as well as the
fear of rejection because of not being biologically related to your
children. If these families would have told right from the beginning,
and been honest with their kids, it wouldn’t be such a loaded issue,
as now there is a secret and people have been lied to. The older donor
conceived people that have found out later in life seem to be much
more rattled at having been lied to, than learning hat they are donor
conceived.

So far, the clinics/doctors/facilities have been unwilling to include
any disclosure literature that I have sent them in their new patient
packets (except for Xytex!). So the battle is getting this industry to
realize the importance of honesty in families. The Cambridge Research
is one step along the way….but we have not made a dent in the way
this industry continues to operate.

Audrey has so kindly given her permission for me to reproduce her article here, saying ” I hope it
resonates with other children of artificial insemination and their experiences growing up without a dad.”

Artificial insemination yields real family
Blazer reflects on being raised by mom and on the reality that she may never meet her real dad

11/08/2002

by Audrey Tornblom

Like most girls, I often fantasize about what my wedding day will be like. The ceremony will be held in a small chapel, and all my family and close friends will be in attendance. An organ will play as I enter the sanctuary wearing a flowing white gown. Then, slowly, I’ll march down the center aisle towards the altar—all alone. I’m going to have to escort myself to the front of the church, because I don’t have a dad to fill the traditional role.

No, my dad didn’t abandon me, and no, he didn’t die; my situation is much more unusual. In August 1985, my mother, Claudia Tornblom, had artificial insemination by an anonymous donor. According to the National Institute for Research Advancement (NIRA), 60,000 children are conceived annually through artificial insemination in the U.S.

A nameless man

Like many women in their late 30s, my mom felt her time to have a baby was running out, and she wasn’t in a long-term relationship with a man. She explains, “I felt like I couldn’t wait any longer.”

She went to the doctor’s office and filled out a survey with her own physical characteristics and the characteristics she desired in the donor: a healthy, intelligent, athletic white male who wasn’t allergic to cats. The profiles were anonymous, and there was no name, address, phone number or photo of the man.

All we know is that he had donated sperm to four other women in the past. Three had girls, and one had a boy. In addition, he was married and had two daughters with his wife. So, technically, I have five half-sisters and one half-brother.

Who am I?

I’ve always felt that because of my situation, I have permanently lost a huge chunk of my identity. According to psychiatric social worker Sue Goldstein, such feelings are normal for children who grow up fatherless. “It’s not at all unusual to feel you’re missing a piece of you,” she says. “There is more of a vacuum there, a feeling of being empty, of not being able to attach a person to a situation.”

Goldstein also warns that children of single-parent families are often skeptical about the institution of marriage. Many of these children often expect any romantic relationship to end. “Girls, especially, wonder, ‘When’s he going to leave?’” she says.

Like many children growing up without a dad, I have often felt resentment towards my mother’s decision. When I was younger, I would yell at my mom that I hated her because she hadn’t gotten married, though I didn’t mean it.
My mom always reassured me that my birth was not an accident. “I wanted to make sure that even though you weren’t born with a father in your life, you knew you were born because I loved you and wanted you,” she tells me.

When I was four, my mom explained to me she had gone to the doctor to find a “nice man” to be my dad. I was, she joked, “the only four year old in the preschool who knew the word ‘sperm.’”

But her explanations still didn’t help me understand why I didn’t have a dad. I became obsessed with finding a father. When I was four or five, I’d look out the car window as we drove through Washington, D.C., trying to find a nice man to come live with us. I also remember many lonely Father’s Day parties at my daycare center when my godmother’s boyfriend would have to act as my surrogate father. And in third grade, one boy used to tease me and call me an orphan.

As a preteen, I was still very insecure about my family situation. I worried about everything, especially about losing my mom. Although I have overcome my worrying habit, I am still scared that if I ever lose my mom, I will lose the little understanding I have of myself and my heritage.

Every family is different

Growing up fatherless has its drawbacks, but there have been some benefits to having only a mom. Because we’ve had to depend on one another, my mom and I have a stronger and closer relationship than the average mother and daughter.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned to embrace my family’s uniqueness. So what if my family isn’t the ideal one typified on television and in magazines? A child with two parents doesn’t necessarily receive more love than a child with just one.

My mom says she has never for a second regretted her decision to have me. “Overriding any difficulties is the fact that I have you in my life. Besides,” she adds, smiling at me, “Christmas was a lot more fun with a kid around!”

In many ways, I consider myself one of the luckiest people alive. I have a family, albeit a small one, and friends who love me. And hey, given that my family has never been a traditional one, perhaps I’ll bend one more custom and have my mom escort me down the wedding aisle.