Posted on 08/08/05
Of all the ways I begin to could tell you about our Big News, I've decided to put it this way: A few days ago, I sent out a birth announcement -- to the donor of my fourteen-year old son.
Yes, folks, we have a match! My son was conceived with California Cryobank Donor #462 on July 6, 1990, which incidentally, coincidentally, or maybe cosmically was the anniversary of my father's death. A perfect day, out of a possible 365 and three years of infertility struggles, to make one a believer in the Circle of Life.
A major milestone on that circle was reached last week when I became 99% sure I had identified my son's donor. On July 27, I had a match between one lead from his profile and his date of birth, which also was a part of his profile. Then, on August 1, I became 99.9% sure I had the right identity for CCB #462. I had a match between a second lead from his profile and his DOB, three cross-referencing pieces of information. Until that point, I hadn't even positively planned to make contact. My goal all along had been merely to identify and locate. But Step #3 - Contact - became just too alluring.
I had a list of cities representing former and current addresses. The problem was that there were lists for two people with the donor's exact first and last names and middle initial. I didn't yet have a middle name on him. I couldn't readily correlate either list with his DOB, nor come up with his current address or phone number without getting a little help. I had several companies which looked like they would have the information I sought, but it was tough to decide which would be the most reliable for the lowest price. I picked the one that had its phone number listed on its webpage, a live person answered without a hold, and he was so kind as to verify that one of the lists did correlate with the donor's DOB before he even put through my credit card number. Within hours, I was e-mailed the addresses on eleven cities associated with the donor. Some had phone numbers; others did not. I called the one with a phone number that seemed most recent, and voila, I reached his older half-sister.
The donor had lived at her address for a short while but no longer was living there. The sister verified I did already have his correct address, but his phone number was unlisted and she didn't want to provide it to me without his permission. She tried to reach him but got his answering machine. This woman shared a lot about the donor and the rest of their family, but she also had some reservations about whether the donor would be wanting contact. I had reservations about unintentionally having involved an intermediary. By the end of the evening, at twenty minutes to midnight, Sister called me back to let me know she'd reached her brother and that he said he was going to call me the following day.
I had to wait awhile longer but it seemed quite disproportionately large compared to my wait of the prior fifteen years. Mr. 462 didn't even wait until the end of his workday to call. At 1:04 the next afternoon, the phone rang and I recognized the area code. He was at work, but wanted to make arrangements to call back that evening when he had more time. That evening, he kept his promise and we spoke further. And, then... my son got to speak to his biodad for the very first time in his more than fourteen years of life.
All has gone extremely well since, with an initial flurry of phone calls, e-mails and snail mail. We plan to do a DNA test to confirm paternity and there is a plan in motion for the donor to meet my son in person within the month, not necessarily in that order!
I wanted to be the first to share my Success Story on DSR.com. Additional details are forthcoming. For now, CCB #462 prefers that I not reveal specific identity, location and contacting information. However, any one connected with this donor -- my son and I most definitely would love to hear from you! The donor has a daughter from a non-donor relationship, but my son would love to be in contact with what we suspect are minimally a handful of donor-half-siblings. And, if you wish to have me forward information from you to the donor, I promise I will do so.
Although our match wasn't made directly via DSR.com or the DSR Yahoo Group, I credit both and especially Wendy for being the catalyst that got me moving back in June, finally, on a more serious quest to identify and locate the donor. It was one of her posts specifically that did this. Thanks again Wendy. Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you!
To all of you out there still hoping and praying for a match.....
Please stick with this group, and similar ones. Were it not for DSR, my son and I wouldn't be where we are. Just as my quest to have a biological child (I've had more than thirty foster kids through the years) wasn't wrapped up all neat and tidy, neither was DSR's role in my quest. I think the fact that without DSR, I wouldn't have made the match at this time is very relevant. Life is messy, and the way DSR helped might not be as readily understood as a direct match but that makes it no less valid nor valuable.
DSR may not have made the match, but it most definitely paved the road to get me there. Quite possibly, but very eventually, I finally would have taken that road without the DSR, but I chose to make that critical turn around the corner where I found myself stuck because of DSR. I give DSR a huge amount of well-deserved credit for that. My search's successful conclusion was the result of a joint effort, so to speak, between the information provided by DSR and my own actions, driven by my motivation and the experience and expertise I fortunately have as a result of my background as a PI and person who always has hated secrecy and cover-ups, and, now, anonymous donorships of something so monumental as an entire half of a person's identity.
I will be sharing more about my son's story and DSR's role. In the meantime, once again, please contact me via the Yahoo group or privately if you are in any way connected with CCB Donor #462. I'm also available if you need some support, encouragement, inspiration or information about how to proceed in your own situation.
With special love in my heart... ... for all who yearn for the truth, ... for those who have blessed us with our children, ... and for my late boyfriend of twenty-three years, Don, with whom I could not conceive.
Tevyn and I were blessed to have had Don in our lives until Tevyn was nearly twelve. He always will be in our hearts.
Joule Momma to Tevyn, DOB 03/31/91, whose Donor, CCB #462, has been found!!